A winters day in a deep and dark December
I am alone, gazing from my window to the streets below
on a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow
I am a rock, I am an island
I've built walls, a fortress deep and mighty
that none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock, I am an island
Don't talk of love, but I've heard the words before:
it's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried.
I am a rock, I am an island
I have my books, and my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock, I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
and an island never cries.
"I am a rock" by Paul Simon
performed by Simon and Garfunkel - my absolute favorite
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
tap dancing, sugar, and furballs
Ahoy! I haven't blogged in a few months - sorry about that. The last post took A LOT out of me. But thank you all for being so kind and accepting. It's amazing to know that we aren't alone.
Life has just been moving along here at the Johnson flat. School ended a few weeks ago and it has been glorious to be able to breathe a little bit. Rich started a new job and he's now working up here in Ogden instead of having to commute to Salt Lake every day. That, alone, has helped everything tremendously because he doesn't have 2.5 hours of commuting via train every day. He loved his old job, though, so I feel bad that he isn't able to work there anymore.
I started working at a doughnut shop up here in Ogden at the beginning of March. I really like it! And it's right across the street from my house so that's way nice. The people I work with are fun and I really like the owners. I decorate and sell gourmet doughnuts and, though it doesn't sound like that great of a time, it really is. I love being able to be creative and getting to interact with people all day long. It's a fun little environment. It's helped us a lot to have two incomes streaming in - I'm not quite sure what we are going to do once school starts and I'm not able to work nearly as much.
My summer show this year is "Spamalot" and it's being performed at the Ziegfeld Theatre up here in Ogden. It's been a fun show to work on and I've been able to get to know people from my department a little better. I am in the ensemble, and it's been a lot of hard work. I'm also the dance captain, so that takes additional time and work. We open in a couple of weeks and run through July so that should be fun.
I've realized that being in the ensemble is, generally, a lot more work than being a lead. Okay, that's not true and it's not fair to say that. They're both equally demanding - just in different ways. The hardest thing is that the ensemble works just as hard as the leads, but they're rarely acknowledged as highly as the leads. Ah, I digress.
Anyway - Spamalot is hysterical and you should all come and see it. You can, and should, purchase your tickets here.
The most exciting thing that's happened is we welcomed this little love nugget into our lives
Introducing Eloise Adel Johnson. Yes, she has a full name. She's our child.
She is just the sweetest! We got her at 6 weeks old and now she's nearly 9 weeks. She's grown so much already! We were at our good friend Tom and Coles house and they had adopted a stray cat. They didn't know their cat was pregnant, but she was and Ellie was one of her 4 kittens. I swear to you, from the second I picked her up I knew she was meant to be our little love kitten. She just stared at me for a good 5 minutes and then slept on me for the next couple of hours.
We picked her up exactly one week later and we've been smitten ever since. Thanks Tom and Cole! She also has 2 adorable sisters that need homes if you or anyone you know is looking.
So interesting facts: our apartment doesn't allow any animals. But, as you may know, I have been working with a therapist for the past few months and he introduced me to the idea of a therapy animal. A therapy animal is also known as a companion animal. In my case, my anxiety and depression is so high that they thought it would be beneficial to bring an animal into our home to calm me down before I have anxiety attacks or depressive episodes. It has worked very well with other cases, so he brought it up to me. They are covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act and we were able to work through our apartment managers and my therapist and Ellie is welcome at our apartment building. Everything just fell into place and we know that she's meant to be with us.
We are obsessed with her, as any who follow our Facebook or Instagram pages has quickly learned. I apologize to no one! She has already helped immensely. She loves to come snuggle with us and she can tell when I need extra kisses and loves. God bless little kitties!
Life has just been moving along here at the Johnson flat. School ended a few weeks ago and it has been glorious to be able to breathe a little bit. Rich started a new job and he's now working up here in Ogden instead of having to commute to Salt Lake every day. That, alone, has helped everything tremendously because he doesn't have 2.5 hours of commuting via train every day. He loved his old job, though, so I feel bad that he isn't able to work there anymore.
I started working at a doughnut shop up here in Ogden at the beginning of March. I really like it! And it's right across the street from my house so that's way nice. The people I work with are fun and I really like the owners. I decorate and sell gourmet doughnuts and, though it doesn't sound like that great of a time, it really is. I love being able to be creative and getting to interact with people all day long. It's a fun little environment. It's helped us a lot to have two incomes streaming in - I'm not quite sure what we are going to do once school starts and I'm not able to work nearly as much.
 |
| I make these |
I've realized that being in the ensemble is, generally, a lot more work than being a lead. Okay, that's not true and it's not fair to say that. They're both equally demanding - just in different ways. The hardest thing is that the ensemble works just as hard as the leads, but they're rarely acknowledged as highly as the leads. Ah, I digress.
Anyway - Spamalot is hysterical and you should all come and see it. You can, and should, purchase your tickets here.
The most exciting thing that's happened is we welcomed this little love nugget into our lives
Introducing Eloise Adel Johnson. Yes, she has a full name. She's our child.
She is just the sweetest! We got her at 6 weeks old and now she's nearly 9 weeks. She's grown so much already! We were at our good friend Tom and Coles house and they had adopted a stray cat. They didn't know their cat was pregnant, but she was and Ellie was one of her 4 kittens. I swear to you, from the second I picked her up I knew she was meant to be our little love kitten. She just stared at me for a good 5 minutes and then slept on me for the next couple of hours.
We picked her up exactly one week later and we've been smitten ever since. Thanks Tom and Cole! She also has 2 adorable sisters that need homes if you or anyone you know is looking.
So interesting facts: our apartment doesn't allow any animals. But, as you may know, I have been working with a therapist for the past few months and he introduced me to the idea of a therapy animal. A therapy animal is also known as a companion animal. In my case, my anxiety and depression is so high that they thought it would be beneficial to bring an animal into our home to calm me down before I have anxiety attacks or depressive episodes. It has worked very well with other cases, so he brought it up to me. They are covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act and we were able to work through our apartment managers and my therapist and Ellie is welcome at our apartment building. Everything just fell into place and we know that she's meant to be with us.
We are obsessed with her, as any who follow our Facebook or Instagram pages has quickly learned. I apologize to no one! She has already helped immensely. She loves to come snuggle with us and she can tell when I need extra kisses and loves. God bless little kitties!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Confessions: self-harm
I write about a lot of things on this blog. I post stories and pictures of funny little things that happen, or weird quirks that I have. I also share stories of heartache and trial. I feel like I've been very open about my feelings and the struggles that I go through on a daily basis.
But there are still a few things that I'm not ready to share with the world. Secrets that I carry deep within me that are too painful or embarrassing to share quite yet.
I have wanted to write this post for a long time. I'm not sure why I feel that now is the time, all I can say is that it feels right. I am posting this for others who have been in my position. I want them to know they aren't alone. I want them to know that it gets better. I'm posting it for me - so I may be a little less-secretive. I'm posting this because it's something that haunts me everyday. But it's time for me and the rest of the world to realize that I am a strong person. I do hard things every day. And even though I have flaws, I am worth it.
I am a self-mutilator. I have been since I was 15. I became severely depressed when I was 15 and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why I was feeling all of these terrible things and I felt like I would burst. It felt like there was a fire beneath my skin and it was burning me alive, and the only way to stop that pain was to let it escape through my skin.
So that's when I began. And it did feel better....for a little while. But then it always got worse. And then I had the mental and physical pain of depression (which is very real), and a physical wound on top of that. And when the fire beneath my skin was getting to be too much, I would cut myself again. And again. And again.
It became a dark and very painful spiral. I was getting out of control. Sometimes I had more obvious wounds - I would lie about how I got them, but generally I was very good at hiding them. But, honestly, sometimes I'd make them more visible in hopes that people would notice them. Then they would know how deeply I was hurting and how badly I needed help.
Luckily I had some great friends that took me under their wing and told my parents. I was so upset at first. I felt like they had betrayed me and I wanted nothing more than to just curl up and die - literally. Some days it was all I could think about. I was making suicide threats, and they were very real. I felt like no one understood me and everyone would have been better off without me.
My parents did the right thing: they took me to a psychiatrist and got me into therapy. I was livid. I was so angry. No one would leave me alone; I constantly had someone with me. People were too afraid to leave my by myself.
This was all in 9th grade. And it ran into 10th grade. I hardly even remember these times. I remember trying to find the right medication to put me on. It was all trial and error, and - as anyone who has had to go through changing meds can tell you - it was total hell. My first diagnosis was bipolar disorder, but upon further look it was decided that I had severe depression. So we switched my medication around some more.
I remember snippets of this time in my life: being taken to the doctor by my friends, being too sick to drive because I had skipped a dose of medication, screaming at my parents that no one understood, isolating myself from all my friends, lying about everything to everyone who would listen, putting on a happy face at school, and not wanting to be with anyone except my boyfriend, and having my friends sleep at my house so I wouldn't be alone.
It was a dark, horrible time. And I cut myself the entire time.
Eventually we found the right medication for me. I became more stable, but I still had some bad episodes. I was still hurting myself, but it was less frequent. Things were okay.
Of course I became unhinged a few more times: breakups, graduation, moving, etc. Because of my diagnosis, all of these things affect me more than they affect the average person. I went through more med changes when I became immune to the ones that were working so well. Slowly, but surely, I've been getting better.
I'm not sure how long it's been since I have self-harmed. I can safely say that I don't even remember it. But I can tell you that I think about it on a weekly basis. Sometimes things get so hard that Richard just has to hold me arms down and rock me while I sob and sob because all I can think about is how much I want to hurt myself. But deep down I know that it won't help anything. And that's what stops me.
There's a stigma about people who self-harm. We get called "cutters" and "e-mos", but it's important to know that we are people. We are feeling scary things that are so very real to us. We know it doesn't make sense, but it's so hard for us to stop. Please don't isolate us, we need people.
To the beautiful people in the world who struggle with this, please know that you are not alone. There are millions of us everywhere. We walk around and live regular lives. I know sometimes it seems like things can't and won't get any better, but I promise you they will. Please know that you don't have to hurt yourself to express what you're feeling. Write poetry, create art, find a hobby...there are so many outlets there for you. Get help. It's hard and it sucks so badly sometimes, but the system works. Medication and therapy have changed my life for the better. Do I hate being a slave to a medication I have to take everyday? Absolutely, but I do it anyway because it works and I know I'll go right back to that dark place if I back away now.
No matter how badly you feel, no matter how misunderstood you think you are, no matter how much pain you are feeling, please know that you are worth it. You are a beautiful person. You are sensitive and feel more than others, but this isn't a bad thing. Life is more beautiful to you, you just have to let it be beautiful.
But there are still a few things that I'm not ready to share with the world. Secrets that I carry deep within me that are too painful or embarrassing to share quite yet.
I have wanted to write this post for a long time. I'm not sure why I feel that now is the time, all I can say is that it feels right. I am posting this for others who have been in my position. I want them to know they aren't alone. I want them to know that it gets better. I'm posting it for me - so I may be a little less-secretive. I'm posting this because it's something that haunts me everyday. But it's time for me and the rest of the world to realize that I am a strong person. I do hard things every day. And even though I have flaws, I am worth it.
I am a self-mutilator. I have been since I was 15. I became severely depressed when I was 15 and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why I was feeling all of these terrible things and I felt like I would burst. It felt like there was a fire beneath my skin and it was burning me alive, and the only way to stop that pain was to let it escape through my skin.
 |
| 15 years old |
It became a dark and very painful spiral. I was getting out of control. Sometimes I had more obvious wounds - I would lie about how I got them, but generally I was very good at hiding them. But, honestly, sometimes I'd make them more visible in hopes that people would notice them. Then they would know how deeply I was hurting and how badly I needed help.
Luckily I had some great friends that took me under their wing and told my parents. I was so upset at first. I felt like they had betrayed me and I wanted nothing more than to just curl up and die - literally. Some days it was all I could think about. I was making suicide threats, and they were very real. I felt like no one understood me and everyone would have been better off without me.
 |
| 16 years old |
This was all in 9th grade. And it ran into 10th grade. I hardly even remember these times. I remember trying to find the right medication to put me on. It was all trial and error, and - as anyone who has had to go through changing meds can tell you - it was total hell. My first diagnosis was bipolar disorder, but upon further look it was decided that I had severe depression. So we switched my medication around some more.
I remember snippets of this time in my life: being taken to the doctor by my friends, being too sick to drive because I had skipped a dose of medication, screaming at my parents that no one understood, isolating myself from all my friends, lying about everything to everyone who would listen, putting on a happy face at school, and not wanting to be with anyone except my boyfriend, and having my friends sleep at my house so I wouldn't be alone.
 |
| 17 years old |
It was a dark, horrible time. And I cut myself the entire time.
Eventually we found the right medication for me. I became more stable, but I still had some bad episodes. I was still hurting myself, but it was less frequent. Things were okay.
Of course I became unhinged a few more times: breakups, graduation, moving, etc. Because of my diagnosis, all of these things affect me more than they affect the average person. I went through more med changes when I became immune to the ones that were working so well. Slowly, but surely, I've been getting better.
 |
| 18 years old |
I'm not sure how long it's been since I have self-harmed. I can safely say that I don't even remember it. But I can tell you that I think about it on a weekly basis. Sometimes things get so hard that Richard just has to hold me arms down and rock me while I sob and sob because all I can think about is how much I want to hurt myself. But deep down I know that it won't help anything. And that's what stops me.
There's a stigma about people who self-harm. We get called "cutters" and "e-mos", but it's important to know that we are people. We are feeling scary things that are so very real to us. We know it doesn't make sense, but it's so hard for us to stop. Please don't isolate us, we need people.
To the beautiful people in the world who struggle with this, please know that you are not alone. There are millions of us everywhere. We walk around and live regular lives. I know sometimes it seems like things can't and won't get any better, but I promise you they will. Please know that you don't have to hurt yourself to express what you're feeling. Write poetry, create art, find a hobby...there are so many outlets there for you. Get help. It's hard and it sucks so badly sometimes, but the system works. Medication and therapy have changed my life for the better. Do I hate being a slave to a medication I have to take everyday? Absolutely, but I do it anyway because it works and I know I'll go right back to that dark place if I back away now.
No matter how badly you feel, no matter how misunderstood you think you are, no matter how much pain you are feeling, please know that you are worth it. You are a beautiful person. You are sensitive and feel more than others, but this isn't a bad thing. Life is more beautiful to you, you just have to let it be beautiful.
Friday, March 22, 2013
a big post is coming
Hey, friends. I have a big post coming up. It's taking me a little while to figure out how to word it, but it's coming.
Life is craaaazy right now. School, work, a show...but things are good.
Also, I just got my first hate comment on my blog and I found it hilarious. Does that mean I've finally made it? My mom would be so proud.
Am I the only one who feels like if you're going to post a nasty comment on someone's blog, you should grow some balls and put your name on it?
Life is craaaazy right now. School, work, a show...but things are good.
Also, I just got my first hate comment on my blog and I found it hilarious. Does that mean I've finally made it? My mom would be so proud.
Am I the only one who feels like if you're going to post a nasty comment on someone's blog, you should grow some balls and put your name on it?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
"Just so super supportive"
I just need to go on a little rant for a hot second
Lately it seems that I have heard non-stop talk about how, "my parents (or grandparents, or spouse, etc.) is/are so supportive of me. They'll always help me out when I need it."
My mind automatically jumps to money.
And let's get one thing very straight right now:
Just because someone doesn't/can't support you financially does not mean they aren't supportive.
I'm sure these status' aren't supposed to come off that way, but - to me - they do. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.
I would love to be able to "be supportive" of people financially, and I would love to be on the receiving end of that "support" as well, but that's not possible in everyone's lives.
Perhaps my family can't move me around the country, pay my rent when we can't quite find enough money, or put gas in our cars when the tank is on E.
But I know that I am being supported in every other possible way. And sometimes that makes me feel more blessed and supported than those who are spoiled otherwise.
And I know I'm extra sensitive of finances and peoples financial situations. It's a very soft spot for me, and I'm overly touchy about it.
But I just wish that people would be a little more delicate about it.
I know, I know. Grow up and go put your big-girl panties on, Shawnee.
Lately it seems that I have heard non-stop talk about how, "my parents (or grandparents, or spouse, etc.) is/are so supportive of me. They'll always help me out when I need it."
My mind automatically jumps to money.
And let's get one thing very straight right now:
Just because someone doesn't/can't support you financially does not mean they aren't supportive.
I'm sure these status' aren't supposed to come off that way, but - to me - they do. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.
I would love to be able to "be supportive" of people financially, and I would love to be on the receiving end of that "support" as well, but that's not possible in everyone's lives.
Perhaps my family can't move me around the country, pay my rent when we can't quite find enough money, or put gas in our cars when the tank is on E.
But I know that I am being supported in every other possible way. And sometimes that makes me feel more blessed and supported than those who are spoiled otherwise.
And I know I'm extra sensitive of finances and peoples financial situations. It's a very soft spot for me, and I'm overly touchy about it.
But I just wish that people would be a little more delicate about it.
I know, I know. Grow up and go put your big-girl panties on, Shawnee.
Monday, March 4, 2013
What to do if your child rejects your religion
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| image via |
It was written by Kim Giles and it's entitled "When your child rejects your religion: Dos and Don'ts."
Here is the article in it's entirety. I think it's important for everyone to read this, not just parents. It can be useful to parents, friends, siblings, etc.
Let me know what you think.
"Question:
We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can't support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?
Answer:
I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.
Unconditional love is always the answer.
Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.
Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.
Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can respond to any situation. You can respond from love (focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.
Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.
Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.
Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some dos and don'ts.
Don't blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.
You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren't a perfect parents, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.
Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child's life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to - so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God's hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.
Don't say anything negative about his choices. Don't criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don't say, "Things would go better if you were doing what's right." Don't say he should consider making different choices. Statements likes these disrespect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.
Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anything, come from a place of compassion, humility, and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.
Don't manipulate, lecture, blackmail, or use guilt. Don't say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don't deny love or approval. Don't grant financial help only if they get active in the church. Don't spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.
You don't have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.
Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor, and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected, and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.
It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)
So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.
(By the way, this is how God parents - and I think he knows what he's doing.)"
Please share this with any and everyone in your life, and let me know how you feel about it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Life in Pictures
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| Sean proposed to Taylor last night 01/28. I love them and I'm so glad we could be there. |
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| 2013 Goals |
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| Our adorable nephew, Patrick |
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| This is Moose. I wish so much he was mine. |
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| A few visits to the doctor. This art in the hall gives me reasons to smile. |
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| New workout clothes! |
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| Sometimes this comes home to me. hoooottt... |
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| I get reeeeally hot during "Charm" and this is what I have to do during intermission |
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| The incredible set of Charm |
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| My cute new teapot from my boo! |
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| Margaret and Vaudeville Love |
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| Apparently Kalyn and Maggie are both topless in this picture....only they're not |
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| My friend, Margaret |
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| Richie being silly while cutting his hair |
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| Looking hot post-ski |
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| Me and Tanner on "Old-Age" Day in Stage Makeup |
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| My boo. That gross cloud between the mountains is the inversion in the valley |
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| Ally and Amelia. I love these women! |
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| Jef-one-F water! |
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| Rich rescued a driver who was stranded |
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| Dinner and game night with Trent and Shelby |
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| Mandee's creepy decapitated muppet |
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| Charm rehearsal on Sunday was spent digging everyone out of the snow. Best part of this picture is T-Cal trying to flag down the snow plow |
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| Thanks, CHARMies! |
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| Rich decided it would be a good idea to shave a "monkey tail" beard. He shaved it off right after (phew) |
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| Rich and Char-Bug |
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| Heaping mound of spaghetti and watching a documentary on Disneyland....my life. |
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